Coping vs. Processing: How to Handle Stress
People come to therapy seeking tools to cope with day-to-day stressors. Learning self-soothing skills like breathwork and grounding techniques for anxiety is absolutely essential for effective emotional regulation. Coping strategies are necessary for those moments when you need to literally and figuratively take a deep breath and return to the world. After all, we can’t call out sick from work or cancel plans with friends every time we feel overwhelmed.
Coping is a Temporary Solution: Why We Must Feel Our Feelings
What often gets lost in translation is that coping skills are a temporary solution; they are not meant to take the place of feeling our emotions or solving our problems. If we treated coping strategies as a one-step solution, we’d be putting a bandaid on our emotions.
Emotions serve a number of critical functions: they motivate us, alert us to danger, and let us know when something is not right or fair. In short, emotions guide our decision-making, and we need them to survive. If we get so good at “fixing” our emotions, or pushing them away, we are losing touch with our body’s way of interpreting the world.
So what does it mean to process emotions? It means allowing the feeling to move through you without fighting it, so you can learn its message. An emotion, when felt fully, often runs its course in just 90 seconds. The longer we resist the feeling, the longer it lasts. And oftentimes, our emotion acts like a beach ball being held underwater– the harder you push the ball (or your emotions) down, the stronger it comes back up.
When Should I Use Coping Skills? Three Circumstances for Healthy Regulation
Coping is a tool used to reduce emotional intensity just enough so that you can return to processing emotions in a healthy manner.
1. When You Can’t Make Space for Your Feelings Immediately
We know feeling your feelings wholeheartedly can be really healthy, but there’s nothing worse than being in a setting where you can’t immediately tend to how you’re feeling. Maybe you’re at work when you feel the sting of tears or in the middle of an exam with a lump in your throat.
Action: This is your "emergency stop." Use quick, subtle skills like self-compassion or deep breathing to hold you over until you are in a safe place to "let it out."
2. When Your Feelings are Overwhelming and Cause Spiraling
There’s nothing like the sense of relief after a good cry. But there are times we get more anxious, sad, or hopeless the longer we sit in our feelings. In these scenarios, we feel like we are “working ourselves up” rather than finding release. This usually happens when secondary emotions (like shame, self-criticism, or stuckness) become entangled with your core emotion.
Understanding the Spiral: Secondary emotions are feelings about the initial, helpful core feeling (e.g., Shame because you think you "shouldn't be sad"). These judgments keep you stuck.
Action: When your emotions jump to an unmanageable level, you need a break to regulate your nervous system and interrupt the spiral. This is a great time to use the skills mentioned above, but you also might benefit from the co-regulation of a friend or therapist to help you work through those hard feelings. Reaching out to support is a super important and often over-looked coping strategy.
3. Preventatively (As a Lifestyle)
Part of having good coping skills is not just coping reactively, but also proactively. Coping ahead means building resilience before the crisis hits. These are the proactive, everyday choices that fill your bucket.
Action: Prioritize sleep, consistent nutrition, and exercise. Making time for social connection is also essential, as healthy relationships are a form of natural co-regulation.
The Post-Cope Check-In: Preventing Avoidance
If you've successfully used a coping skill, you've done the hard work of self-regulation. But if you don't return to the original feeling, that temporary coping strategy becomes long-term avoidance.
When you're calm and have at least 15 minutes of uninterrupted time, check in with yourself:
Identify the Core: Ask: "What was the initial, most honest feeling I had before the shame/panic took over?" (e.g., sadness, hurt).
Sit for Two Minutes: Set a timer and just observe the feeling in your body without judgment.
Action Step: Ask: "What does this feeling need?" (e.g., Does my hurt need me to set a boundary? Does my sadness need to be expressed?).
Frequently Asked Questions
What is emotional regulation?
Emotional regulation is your ability to manage and respond to emotional experiences appropriately. It’s about having a flexible toolkit to manage intensity so your feelings serve you, rather than takeover.
What are examples of coping skills for anxiety and depression?
Coping skills for anxiety: Focus on grounding techniques (like the 5-4-3-2-1 technique) and paced breathing.
Coping skills for depression: Focus on activation. Simple tasks like a short walk, listening to uplifting music, or practicing positive self-talk are effective ways to build momentum.
Summary and Next Steps
In sum, there is a time and space for coping! But remember: coping is a short-term tool and not a way to push away your thoughts and feelings permanently.
The right therapist will help you learn how to process emotions in a healthy way, making emotional identification and feeling your emotions a part of your coping toolkit, not the thing you are working to avoid!
Ready to find balance? If you need help integrating coping and emotional processing, finding a qualified mental health professional is your best next step toward effective emotional regulation.
About the Author: Jordyn Levine, LCSW
Jordyn Levine, LCSW (CA #101755), is a therapist and founder of a group practice based in West LA. She takes a collaborative, trauma-informed approach that is warm, relational, and evidence-based, with specialties in trauma, anxiety (including OCD/health anxiety and panic), grief, life transitions, and parenting.